Manchester, England
paul@borderlinebear.com

Relapse – A Relationship Lost

Relapse – A Relationship Lost

So look by this time my life was going really well. I had settled into my new flat and just had a nice xmas day. College was going well  and financially I was pretty stable. I didn’t have a lot but I never ran out of gas or electric so in my opinion life was good!

It was my first Christmas in my new flat and I had all my presents ready for the kids to take to my mums house the next day to spend christmas day with them. Emotionally I felt a little lost and down but I spoke with my nan that night and she put everything into perspective like she usually did.

Christmas came and went and it was coming to new year. I didn’t like new year it always reminded me of my aunty (Monica) who was probably one of the most special people ever to be in my life. As a child I would run to her house for me tea and as an adult I would help her with her shopping,pension and other jobs. We would share fish and chips lol but those moments are the ones that are engrained into my life of pure happiness. Anyway I would spend new years year with Monica up until the point of which she did so after that I never really liked new years and it always made me felt really numb and emotional (thank you BPD for that challenge).

My plans for new years eve were to be in bed for 9pm and wake up fresh the next day…..this never happened. I don’t know why I ignored my triggers but I did…I went and bought 6 cans of lager and decided to have a drink (1st relapse) then I decided to buy some coke and get on it. It got to 3am and guess what…I wasn’t finished partying I just wanted to party more. So I called my mate who I knew would be on it and went round to us. By this point I was smashed, not only had a relapsed I had also let everyone who believed I would be a bum right and the people who believed in me wrong.

It was around 9am in the morning and I was completely in and out of conscientious. I get in a taxi and decide to go to my ex’s house (to this day I dont know why). Getting there was a blare but I woke up on her couch, still drunk and probably a little high and then I just lost it. I started to smash her house starting with her dinning table and screaming at her. At this point I was still a bad mess. Next thing I know my step dad was staring at me and I said some really hurtful things to him about his personal life and also my mum. It was a drunken rant really. What happened next really shocked me the police had been called and I was being arrested. I fought with the policeman but as expected I ended up in the jail cells.

So my dad got me out, took me home and basically told me not to speak to anyone. All the hard work I had put in to rebuild my life had been lost in that 24 hours. Waking up, hungover and realizing what I had done just made me feel sick. What really shocked me was that my step dad called the police knowing that I was currently on probation and there could have been a real threat that I would have ended up in jail. Basically my mum said she had, had enough of my behavior and the drug taking and she didn”t want anymore to do with me. I tried to rekindle our relationship over mothers day but she just threw the flowers and card in the bin.

That was nearly 5 year ago now, time is passing fast and I do miss her but the more time that is moving on the harder and harder it is to try and rebuild at least a friendship. I do sometimes feel like a stubborn git and think ‘you weren’t there during my hardships, dont’ come now the goings good’ but I do know this is not the right way to think.

Moving forward I do hope one day me and my mum will come onto speaking to terms but I just don’t know how or when that will be. For the time being I just want to be happy and settled and I hope she is too.