Manchester, England
paul@borderlinebear.com

My Story

Blogging Borderline Personality Disorder With Pride

before and after

At the height of my illness I was 25 stone (bottom pic), above me today at around 17 stone (give or take a few pound ;))!

My Story So Far

In 2011 I was diagnosed with a Borderline Personality Disorder. At the time I had spent roughly 5 months in a psychiatric unit due to drug (cocaine) and alcohol abuse and I had been ill for around 18 months prior to this time. Before I was admitted I went completely off the rails, getting involved with drugs drinking lots of alcohol and partying all the time. My life spiraled out of control in a massive way.

Before I got involved in the drugs and alcohol I was feeling stressed and depressed all the time. I always had an extreme nature, I was always a little bit hyper and the clown but more importantly I never truly knew who I was or what my personality should be. I would always try to associate events with feelings in the way "oh this happened, I should feel happy" or sad or whatever, but my feelings were never natural. I struggled to commit to anything after a few months I would move onto the next thing whether that be sports, relationships literally anything!!

From such a young age I felt this way and I was eventually diagnosed with childhood depression. There were lots of key events in my life from losing my best friend, to my parents divorcing to my friends giving up on me. Looking back in some instances maybe I isolated myself from the world and then got annoyed when the world isolated itself from me.

The route back in my life has been one of heartache, hardship, struggle and success. In the past 5 years I've achieved so much from living a life of sobriety, getting a great job and having a beautiful family. It hasn't been easy to work my way back up but it has certainly been a journey and a challenge.

Checkout my timeline below and enjoy my blog.

The Start Of A Journey

June 1, 2011

The Start Of A Journey

In 2011 I was admitted to a psychiatric unit after attempting suicide. I was using cocaine heavily and alcohol daily. It took around 3 weeks for my system to test negative for cocaine. At this point I was 25 stone and suffering with both highs and lows. I had no mental strength at this point and my life had truly spiraled out of control. I thought this was the lowest point of my life….but it wasn’t. I had been mixing with bad crowds and had been getting into trouble. I had been charged with possession and intent to supply a class c substance and awaiting sentencing. I was sent to hospital of the back of a suicide attempt. I attempted to slit my wrists in a car out of the area (and luckily) a police man/woman found me, stopped me and took me to hospital. 5 years on I still have the scars While people say that, people who attempt suicide are attention seekers or selfish, I don’t believe this. I believe I was in a place were everyone around me would have…

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Hostel – Alt Bank Hospital

November 1, 2011

Hostel – Alt Bank Hospital

On the back of being discharged from hospital I had no where to live. The hospital arranged for me to go into a hostel (for the short term) while I found permanent accommodation. This short term move, turned into a long and hard 9 months. On first impressions (and looking at the images ) the hostel looks really nice, it was a fairly new complex rebuilt. I was soon to realize that this would be a challenge for me. Surrounded by drug and alcohol abusers my challenge to live a life of sobriety was becoming complex. This all being said the hostel had really amazing staff (apart from the receptionist she was hard work), they would push you and teach you to learn the skills in life which people take as a given skill for instance, cooking and washing your clothes. Being in a long term relationship previous to my hospital stay I never did these things! There were…

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Home?

July 1, 2012

Home?

Following a tough few months in Alt Bank Hostel I finally got the flat which would later become my home. The way it works when you are in a hostel is you have to bid for properties. I was offered two flats prior to this one, and even though I was desperate to get out of the hostel, the first two flats I was offered were really bad. They were in really bad locations and pretty much surrounded by drugs (not great for someone who recently gave up that lifestyle). Eventually I was offered the flat pictured above! It was in a fairly nice location and was…

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Surely I’m too old for college?

September 2, 2012

Surely I’m too old for college?

So it was 2012 at this point. My time at the psychiatric unit and hostel was over and I had moved into my flat and life was really simple. I had little money from the benefits system and I did want to eventually get back to work. I was still under the early intervention in psychosis team but my care plan was on track and in he-insight I was actually doing pretty well. I would spend a lot of time with my nan at this point and she would give me good ‘solid’ advice (and some great meals!). We would talk about working and the possibility of going back to college. I was really dead set against the idea of going to college. While I was pretty academic in high school and always considered myself intelligent…

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Relapse – A Relationship Lost

January 1, 2014

Relapse – A Relationship Lost

So look by this time my life was going really well. I had settled into my new flat and just had a nice xmas day. College was going well  and financially I was pretty stable. I didn’t have a lot but I never ran out of gas or electric so in my opinion life was good! It was my first Christmas in my new flat and I had all my presents ready for the kids to take to my mums house the next day to spend christmas day with them. Emotionally I felt a little lost and down but I spoke with my nan that night and she…

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Soul Mate – Relationship

February 24, 2014

Soul Mate – Relationship

Ok so this is probably the trickiest part of my blog. Explaining feelings, events and how much this girl has helped me through the past few years is probably indescribable (but i’m gonna try!). I met Vick while I was studying my BTEC LVL3 at college. We were introduced through mutual friends. It’s kinda funny, when my mate come round to drop 24 bottles of the cheapest water you could find I asked him if his misses had any mates as nuts as me……she said Vick! We started talking on Facebook to start and got on really well, she was a bit of a party head at the time and with me not drinking and living a life of sobriety I wasn’t sure what was going to happen but for the time being I was happy with conversation and I felt a connection (even though she didn’t! LOL). We…

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Restricted from seeing my kids – the route to court

March 1, 2014

Restricted from seeing my kids – the route to court

So to put it into context I just wanted to give a little back story to the months leading up to the breakdown in this relationship with my kids. So after I relapsed in December, a lot of people (including my Mum) said “that’s it”, ” a leopard never changes it spots” and all that other nonsense. I was now in a position were I had to work twice as hard to rebuild what I had spent the last two years building. So from January to March I was a model father and a model citizen, getting back on track and being responsible….

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The Move To Manchester

July 1, 2014

The Move To Manchester

So after meeting Vicky and we had been together a while we really wanted to move in together. The flat was obviously too small for us and having the kids stay over so we started to look for housing. Now as anyone with BPD realises this is a life changing event and brings back a series of emotions. I was scared, anxious and feeling in a position to sabotage my relationship (as we do). We cracked on and started to look in Liverpool at first , pretty much the local area were the flat was. I was keen to move to Manchester however, I felt…

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My First Job

April 1, 2015

My First Job

So in the space of 3 years I had gone from sectioned, diagnosed with BPD, hostel and college. I achieved distinctions in all my courses and got to a level 4 in computing and systems development (HNC). I had moved to Manchester and moved in with Vick and it was time to get to work! So I had a clear career path in IT, I really wanted to be an IT professional so I started applying for work. At this time I didn’t know how I would cope with the stress of…

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Jasmines Challenge

November 1, 2016

Jasmines Challenge

So I can truly say this was one of the worst part of my life and defo a struggle for Jasmine. I never forget how I got the call to let me know my little girl was in hospital pretty much fighting for her life. I had just started working at my second company in the IT world and everything was going great. One late Thursday afternoon around 4pm I was getting call after call for about 20 minutes from my ex’s family. I ignored them at first as I was due to finish in about 30 minutes so I thought whats so important!! I called back just before my shift finished and spoke with my ex’s mum. She told me that I needed to get to the hospital ASAP as Jasmine was in hospital on life support and they had found a tumor on her brain. I actually felt like my heart stopped! My head just span I couldn’t believe it. How could someone just get a brain tumor overnight, there was not really any signs of this coming up. Jasmine had been previously sick randomly…

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Becoming an IT professional

January 1, 2017

Becoming an IT professional

Ok so for around 3 years I was working towards becoming and IT professional. I had the qualifications, I had a role with Vodafone (previous post) but I didn’t feel like I was achieving my true potential. I actually didn’t know what I had to do, to become an IT professional. I went off and invested in an official Microsoft certification (MCSA), it cost me around £1,500GBP to complete. This course give me a great insight into the level of knowledge needed to be an IT professional. My thoughts were that if I invested £1,500 and got a pay rise of around £4,000 this would be a great investment. This did happen!! In fact my wages have doubled in 3 years since starting at Vodafone and I am now the Incident Manager for a large gambling company, managing their business systems (such as HR and Payroll). Right now I face personal challenges in my current role. The medication I take (as I am sure you are aware) makes me really drowsy and it’s such a challenge to just get up…

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